March 29th. Today is the 9th anniversary of Jeff's death. I'm still surprised at how much his effected me, given that I had spent years imagining it and thinking about it at and how I was going to react, thus thinking I was prepared. But I was completely unprepared for the emotional impact, which was total, enveloping my life and paralyzing me for a long time.
Many people have dropped away. Certainly all the folks who were around just for the free food and treats and good times. Some who seemed to be friends, but turned out to be just leeches. Good riddance to them. Also some who dropped away as my life spiraled out of control and I was making desperate decision that impacted others in a less than positive way. I understand them and am saddened by my loss.
But there are you who are reading this who weathered my dark night (season, years) of the soul. You are still with me, having heard the terror and fear in my voice. You loved and supported me, and watched as I pulled myself back out into the land of the living. I cherish you beyond measure.
There are those reading this who never met Jeff. He was a complicated and compelling man, and created lasting friendships of great depth. He was dramatic, supportive, pushy, snobby, artistic, creative, crazy, fun, harsh, generous, and (as one friend said when he lasted 18 hours after being taken off life support) freakishly strong. He was my husband for 13 years.
I have a new relationship that is wonderful, supportive, and calm. I am blessed with many friends, old and new. My life has much less drama. This means less excitement, but I'm ok with that. I am working towards finding out who I am without the whirlwind that was Jeff. It's a process. I am, in a large part, the woman I am today because of my relationship with Jeff.
I've been cleaning up my office space to make a "writing dojo" so I have a place to finish my book and do other writing. In the process, I found old notebooks, and some of Jeff's old stuff. I am now using one old notebook of Jeff's to write new recipes and menus (appropriate, eh?). There were only 3 pages used, one a list of his paintings and prices, one a bio he used for his painting shows, and then this. His notes for his vows for our 10th wedding anniversary:
"Weren't sure if we would make it one year -- strength, love, commitment -- (next page)
"Ever since the first time we met, I have thought about you constantly. That was followed by astronomical phone bills and visits we could barely afford.
"When I got diagnosed, ten minutes was very important, turned into ten hours, hours into ten months, and finally months into ten years.
"Nothing has come easy for us. What makes a person look forward to every day? It's the eternal love and commitment that I pledge to uphold..."
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Remembering Faith
I always introduce Faith as a curmudgeon when I talk about Coffee with a Beat and why I keep returning. It’s an accurate, but shallow description of a complicated woman who was my friend and I will always remember with a warm heart.
I met Faith when I moved into the neighborhood and found the coffee shop within walking distance of my home. Every morning I’d show up with my two cocker spaniels and sit outside with them while I ate my breakfast, nursing a resentment of having to leave my coffee shop in Alameda where I had a cadre of regulars who petted my dogs and followed my crazy life as we drank coffee at ate baked goods hot out of the oven. Every morning, Faith sat in the same chair, inside, nursing a cup of coffee, looking out at the lake and reading her Chronicle. We started off with a nodding acquaintance.
Weekends were livelier than weekdays, and I stayed longer, eventually venturing inside and meeting the regulars. Faith was joined by Sunny and Kathy, who invited me to join them one day. I found a group of smart, interesting women involved in their community and the world. Conversation was a lively mix of politics, current events, Oakland happenings, and the takeover of technology. A self-proclaimed Luddite, Faith hated computers. The women introduced me to fascinating people as they stopped by the table to say hello. Coffee with a Beat attracts people from all walks of life and I learned to dig behind the congenial facades to find movers and shakers in the Oakland community. Gradually, I moved inside, leaving my dogs tied up at the table by the door as fuzzy welcomers, and joined the community.
Often it was just Faith and I in the early mornings, sometimes waiting for Nate to open up. I learned to see past her gruff exterior and into a person of great depth. Intelligent and quick, she had a breadth of knowledge that often took my breath away. She beat throat cancer and refused to be stopped by the limitations it left, speaking with difficulty and not being able to raise her voice, but she spoke with conviction. A woman of strong opinions, she debated enthusiastically and backed up her contentions with facts. Her favorite magazine (and a long-standing birthday gift from Kathy) was Scientific American, and she often connected what she read there with the political climate of the day.
I started watching American Idol because of Faith. I was startled to find out she watched religiously, and then discovered it was a bonding experience with her daughter. They called each other during the commercial breaks to discuss the performers (this was back when the show was more about the kids singing than it was making them media darlings). I started watching to find out what she was talking about and got hooked. So that’s why this show is so popular, I thought. It’s not watching the show, it the conversations afterwards. We watched James Durbin, a young man with Asperger’s and a hard rock edge progress and Faith talked about how her daughter’s at-risk students were following his progress and how inspired they were by him, as she misted up briefly. But the year Adam Lambert was cheated out of the title put an end to her watching. Just like that, Idol was dead to her.
My husband passed away a year after we moved to Oakland, and Faith was comforting in her gruff way. Adrift after the first couple of weeks, and having no family to turn to, Faith’s stability provided a sense of security, seeing her at her seat as I walked up the street and tied the dogs to their post outside the door. That December, when I threw myself a birthday party, she paid me the supreme compliment of attending. Knowing that she rarely left her house and only attended the most important occasions for her nieces, I knew the honor she paid me and am still deeply touched. I started thinking of her as Mama Faith, but only to myself. She was certainly there for me in ways my own mother never was.
Later, when my life careened out of control, Faith provided a defining moment. I’d been complaining again about something and she had enough. She slammed her coffee mug down on the table with enough force to stop all conversation across the coffee shop. She couldn’t scream, but it was clear she was screaming on the inside. “I refuse to listen to this crap anymore,” she said forcefully. “You are creating all this drama and then come in here bitching about it. Stop it! Just stop it! You have to start taking care of yourself.”
The coffee shop had gone silent, except for Dizzy Gillespie wailing softly in the background as she stomped out. I was stunned and hurt, but later, as I thought about what she said, I realized she was right. I was creating a lot of unnecessary drama in my life. And no one else cared enough about me and had the balls to point this out. I realized that the drama was a residual effect of my husband’s death and living in crisis was comforting in a weird, albeit unhealthy way, and I embarked on a long-term effort to take better care of myself and cut the drama out of my life, which has led me to the contented life I lead today.
When I moved back to Alameda, I told her how she was instrumental in my getting my life together, and how much this means to me because I wanted her to be proud of me. She, of course, batted away the compliments like they were annoying flies. She was, and was not, an easy woman to love.
Fiercely independent, she refused all the help I offered her over the years. Her gruff exterior, cynical understanding of human nature, abhorrence of all things computer, her vocal opinions and stubbornness all fed the conversations those mornings at Nate’s. These traits were off-putting at first, and sometimes hard to get past, but gradually I found her warm, fuzzy secret heart, fueled by her passion for knowledge, her delight in children. Her eyes lit up with love when talking about her three nieces, or young neighbor who had taken quite a shine to her, or watching a young one careening around the coffee shop with parents in tow. That, and her caring for me, made her easy to love.
So here’s some advice from Mama Faith to take us into our futures, those of us left behind. Subscribe to Scientific American and read it. Back up whatever you say with facts. Don’t get your facts of the internet where people can say whatever they want and often lie. Get everything, and I mean everything, in writing when entering an agreement with a friend that involves money or a place to live. Never give up. Take care of yourself. And never, ever stop learning.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
The Slow Art Experience
It turned out to be a beautiful day for slow art. To recap from my earlier post, (Slow Art), Slow Art is the practice of stopping in front a work of art and looking at it for seven to ten minutes, allowing you to see complexity and nuance you would miss just whizzing past.
So having signed up on-line, the BF and I motored over the the Frank Bette Art Center on a sunny Alameda Saturday. We were greeted by a friendly volunteer (everyone at the Center is a volunteer -- someone needs to fund a curator position for that fine establishment) who explained that Slow Art didn't mean Silent Art, so we were free to talk about the artworks as we looked around. She then introduced us to Brian Frus and Michael Gifford, two of the artists whose work was in the show! I decided that I would pick their pieces as some of the works to be slowly enjoyed.
We started by walking through the entire gallery, glancing at all the available art. Since the Frank Bette Art Center is only two rooms, this did not take long. We each picked out a few pieces we then wanted to spend more time with. By happy coincidence, the BF and I choose the same pieces.
We started with the delightful "Amusement Park" by Susan Lee Hocket, which is a patchwork quilt-esque piece combining fabric pieces quilted together mixed with pieces of photographs of the Park Street Bridge. I set the timer on my phone to 10 minutes, and we sat in on the chairs thoughtfully moved in front of the piece.
So having signed up on-line, the BF and I motored over the the Frank Bette Art Center on a sunny Alameda Saturday. We were greeted by a friendly volunteer (everyone at the Center is a volunteer -- someone needs to fund a curator position for that fine establishment) who explained that Slow Art didn't mean Silent Art, so we were free to talk about the artworks as we looked around. She then introduced us to Brian Frus and Michael Gifford, two of the artists whose work was in the show! I decided that I would pick their pieces as some of the works to be slowly enjoyed.
By a happy coincidence, the current show was Alameda 48-48-48, in which the City of Alameda was sectioned into 48 pieces and 48 artists had 48 hours to take photos, the proofs of which were submitted to a committee, who chose the pieces to be included in this art show. The artists then had 6 weeks to create something wonderful.
We started by walking through the entire gallery, glancing at all the available art. Since the Frank Bette Art Center is only two rooms, this did not take long. We each picked out a few pieces we then wanted to spend more time with. By happy coincidence, the BF and I choose the same pieces.
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| Amusement Park by Susan Lee Hocket Mixed Media/Paper Cloth $800 |
This is a complex and wonderful piece which this photo does not do justice to. The BF and I talked about how the colors of the fabric were perfectly chosen and sewn together to give a rather cubist look at the bridge and the estuary water and banks. They flow together in a disjointed, but ultimately pleasing whole and I was very surprised to find the 10 minutes up so quickly.
But Slow Art waits for no woman, so we moved on to "City Hall" by Brian Frus.
The title is intriguing, because it is a photo of an abandoned art deco building -- but wait! As I slowly look at the photo, City Hall appears as a reflection and the BF points out that the photo must be of the old gas station on Oak and Santa Clara. We gaze at the photo, which is rich and layered, with the building facade, the empty shelves behind the glass windows, the building next door, visible through the glass, and the reflection of City Hall on the right. We discuss the layers, the angles, the pleasing proportions of the building and the photographer's skill in capturing the.. bing! the 10 minutes are up again.
But Slow Art waits for no woman, so we moved on to "City Hall" by Brian Frus.
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| City Hall by Brian Frus Photo Print $250 |
We wandered around the 2nd room and found Michael Gifford's "Night Light" in both a large photo print and a jigsaw puzzle.
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| Night Light by Michael Gifford Jigsaw Puzzle of Photo $75 |
I started with the large photo of the High Street bridge at night. I liked the photo, which also had more layers the longer I looked at it. However, when I looked at the same photo on the box of the jigsaw puzzle, I experienced it in an entirely different way. I was drawn into the photo and felt like I became a part of the scene. I told the BF about this experience, and Michael Gifford himself came up and joined in the conversation. We talked about how the color contrasts were slightly different when printed for the jigsaw puzzle and how others had felt that same pull I felt with the puzzle when looking at the large print. Michael talked about standing on High Street Bridge at night, which was slightly scary, and how the photo was exposed over time. The streak of light along the left side of the bridge turn out to be headlights of cars crossing the bridge into Alameda. It was wonderful to be able to ask the artist questions and hear about how the photo was made!
We were unable to stay for the potluck lunch to discuss the art further, but were nonetheless very happy with our Slow Art experience, and determined to see more art in this way in the future. I enjoyed participating in this international event on such a local level.
And I'll bet the folks who participated in the International Slow Art Day at the De Young did not get to talk to their artists!
Monday, May 6, 2013
It Will Cost You to Pay
I finally had the experience I knew was coming when digital money first arrived. I walked into a Sprint store to pay my bill and ask a few questions, and they told me they would charge me to pay in cash. Banks, of course, have been charging for what used to be standard banking practices (like talking to a teller), right after ATM's came out and they charge for them. Ooh, ooh, a new revenue stream! But seriously, charging for taking a cash payment?!?
In January, when my old phone crapped out (planned obsolesce after 2 years), I went to the Sprint store and found the iPhone 4S on sale for $99. Cool! The monthly fee was more than I was paying Virgin Mobile, but I was expecting that anyway, so I bit the bullet and ponied up. When I pulled out my credit union debit card, the helpful saleslady told me that I got a discount for being a credit union member! 10% discount on the phone AND the service. Holla!!
Sadly, she didn't input the information correctly, so Sprint thought I was a credit union employee (which would have been a 25% discount for anyone who knows a credit union employee) and I couldn't get verified (not surprisingly) and they took the discount away. After a couple of phone calls, they said I should take my credit union statement into the store and they would fix me up with my promised discount. Score!
So Sunday, I finally got around to taking the printout of my statement (with all the numbers blacked out, thank you very much), and it turns out that no, actually, they can't do this administrative detail in the store. But they gave me a form to fill out and fax along with said bank statement. *sigh*
So I pulled out my bill, and said I'd like to take care of this, and he told me they don't accept payments by credit card at that location (my local mall). No problem, I said, whipping out cash.
Folks, there is a $3 charge to pay my bill by cash at this store! W. T. F.??
So, I'm at the retail location, where they can't clear up the mistake that was made At That Store, and they can't take my debit card to pay my bill, and they will charge me to give them cash.
As I was leaving, another patron asked to see my iPhone because none of the phones in the store were turned on, so she couldn't get a sense of what it looked like and how it worked. I spent a few minutes enthusing over my phone and assuring her that her battery life would NOT be the advertised 15 hours, even if she turns off all the app push notifications. I explained how I solved this problem with a quick trip to Amazon for cheap car chargers and extra power cords and have no problems keeping the phone up and running.
THIS is why Brick and Mortar Stores are dying -- they are outposts of corporations that are not able to do anything except an initial sale. And they're not even doing that well.
In January, when my old phone crapped out (planned obsolesce after 2 years), I went to the Sprint store and found the iPhone 4S on sale for $99. Cool! The monthly fee was more than I was paying Virgin Mobile, but I was expecting that anyway, so I bit the bullet and ponied up. When I pulled out my credit union debit card, the helpful saleslady told me that I got a discount for being a credit union member! 10% discount on the phone AND the service. Holla!!
Sadly, she didn't input the information correctly, so Sprint thought I was a credit union employee (which would have been a 25% discount for anyone who knows a credit union employee) and I couldn't get verified (not surprisingly) and they took the discount away. After a couple of phone calls, they said I should take my credit union statement into the store and they would fix me up with my promised discount. Score!
So Sunday, I finally got around to taking the printout of my statement (with all the numbers blacked out, thank you very much), and it turns out that no, actually, they can't do this administrative detail in the store. But they gave me a form to fill out and fax along with said bank statement. *sigh*
So I pulled out my bill, and said I'd like to take care of this, and he told me they don't accept payments by credit card at that location (my local mall). No problem, I said, whipping out cash.
Folks, there is a $3 charge to pay my bill by cash at this store! W. T. F.??
So, I'm at the retail location, where they can't clear up the mistake that was made At That Store, and they can't take my debit card to pay my bill, and they will charge me to give them cash.
As I was leaving, another patron asked to see my iPhone because none of the phones in the store were turned on, so she couldn't get a sense of what it looked like and how it worked. I spent a few minutes enthusing over my phone and assuring her that her battery life would NOT be the advertised 15 hours, even if she turns off all the app push notifications. I explained how I solved this problem with a quick trip to Amazon for cheap car chargers and extra power cords and have no problems keeping the phone up and running.
THIS is why Brick and Mortar Stores are dying -- they are outposts of corporations that are not able to do anything except an initial sale. And they're not even doing that well.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Slow Art
Following up on my determination to find out more about Alameda, I checked out the calendar on Alamedan.com. It turns out that 4/27 is Slow Art Day. Color me intrigued. Is Slow Art creating art slowly, like the slow food movement? If so, I'm out, because I'm a writer, not a visual artist, like my late husband.
I poke around the site and there seem to be two rules -- look at one piece of art for ten minutes, then go to lunch to talk about what you saw. Both of those rules seem well within my skill set.
I clicked on the link to find that over 252 venues world wide are participating in Slow Art Day. The last time I participated in something on that scale, it was the release of the last Harry Potter book (and proud of it!).
First on the list of participating locations is Aberdeen, Scotland. Third is Alameda, CA. I feel so international all ready. Although I wish I could go to Aberdeen, this year I will stay close to home and travel 1/2 mile down Lincoln Avenue to the Frank Bette Center for the Arts. If this year goes well, maybe next year in Aberdeen!
I've been wanting to go to the Frank Bette Center for the Arts every since I moved here. I support art and artists, but have not yet found the time. Perhaps after I'm done looking slowly I can take a gander at the gallery and the outdoor garden. This sounds like the perfect opportunity. I register as "Commitment to attend" since the event is free here (although other locations seem to require payment). I enter my name and email and Boom! I'm registered. So this Saturday, from 10 - 2, I will be doing the slow art thing.
I've been asigned a volunteer host who will help me out. Evidently, there is pre-assigned art to view. I assume this is to facillitate the discussion at lunch afterwards -- it will be a lot more interesting if we all slowly looked at the same pieces of art.
They've asked me to spread the word, so I am doing so now. There are locations in SF (Legion of Honor and SF Moma and three locations in Oakland, for those of you interested in wandering farther afield. If anyone want to join me here in Alameda, I'd be delighted. This Saturday. Let me know if you want to go.
I'll be posting about the experience here and would love to see your comments. Has anyone done this before?
I poke around the site and there seem to be two rules -- look at one piece of art for ten minutes, then go to lunch to talk about what you saw. Both of those rules seem well within my skill set.
I clicked on the link to find that over 252 venues world wide are participating in Slow Art Day. The last time I participated in something on that scale, it was the release of the last Harry Potter book (and proud of it!).
First on the list of participating locations is Aberdeen, Scotland. Third is Alameda, CA. I feel so international all ready. Although I wish I could go to Aberdeen, this year I will stay close to home and travel 1/2 mile down Lincoln Avenue to the Frank Bette Center for the Arts. If this year goes well, maybe next year in Aberdeen!
I've been wanting to go to the Frank Bette Center for the Arts every since I moved here. I support art and artists, but have not yet found the time. Perhaps after I'm done looking slowly I can take a gander at the gallery and the outdoor garden. This sounds like the perfect opportunity. I register as "Commitment to attend" since the event is free here (although other locations seem to require payment). I enter my name and email and Boom! I'm registered. So this Saturday, from 10 - 2, I will be doing the slow art thing.
I've been asigned a volunteer host who will help me out. Evidently, there is pre-assigned art to view. I assume this is to facillitate the discussion at lunch afterwards -- it will be a lot more interesting if we all slowly looked at the same pieces of art.
They've asked me to spread the word, so I am doing so now. There are locations in SF (Legion of Honor and SF Moma and three locations in Oakland, for those of you interested in wandering farther afield. If anyone want to join me here in Alameda, I'd be delighted. This Saturday. Let me know if you want to go.
I'll be posting about the experience here and would love to see your comments. Has anyone done this before?
Monday, April 22, 2013
GoT Overload
That's Game of Thrones Overload - not Got Overload (like Got Milk?), although I am enjoying the double-entendre.
Recently my cable company opened up On-Demand to show Game of Thrones and Downtown Abby to hook people so they would then pony up the money for HBO. I happened to be really sick that week and I watched two seasons of GoT in three days. Awesome! Engrossing! Fascinating characters, snappy dialog, plots thick with intrigue! Damn you, cable company, I got HOOKED!
I posted on FB, hoping to find someone with HBO who was also hooked so I could invite myself over to watch every week. I planned on offering my brownies as bribes (I'll bring delicious brownies if you let me come watch...). But alas, no response. Did I cave? NO.
Because, I READ. Yes, folks, before there was the HBO series, there were books, but the same author, with the same story line and the same characters. Imagine that! I was jonesing to find out what happened to Tyrion and Arya and Dany, so I pulled out my Kindle and, just like the ads on TV, had the book in my hand in 30 seconds. Oh joy!
I started with the third book (A Storm of Swords), which picked up where the 2nd season left off and started racing through the chapters. The third book in the series introduces a few new characters, but is set mainly in the same places as the first two seasons, so I easily picked up the narrative thread and devoured the book. Still recovering from the illness, I dragged myself home from work, crawled into bed, and went off to Westeros.
From my recent Advanced Writing Workshop (shout out to Linda Watanabe McFerrin), I admired the way each chapter is it's own short story, with an intriguing start ("The invitation seemed innocent enough, but every time Sansa read it her tummy tightened into a knot." "He woke to the creak of old iron hinges.") and bang-up finish. Then you jump to another character in another corner of the universe and the first line is so intriguing you get sucked in again. Great writing, great technique. Very hard to put down.
I must say, however, that I'm glad I started with the HBO series. There are a LOT of characters and having seen actors in the roles, it made it a lot easier to keep them straight. I finished the Storm of Swords in a week (I read freakishly fast. According to the Kindle, it's print length is 1216 pages.) No problem! Back to the Kindle store and in another 30 seconds, A Feast for Crows is available for my reading pleasure.
I jumped in eagerly, but started getting bogged down. This book introduced a lot of new characters, and by introduced, I mean described them, explained where they were from and the entire history surrounding their tiny part of the world, sometimes going back centuries. And religions! Fire ("the night is dark and full of terrors"), Water (the drowned men), the Old Gods (trees), the New Gods (The Seven), then the holy place where Arya finds herself where all gods are One. Some of my favorite characters became minor actors while these new characters took center stage. We followed Brienne, the Maid of Tarth on her ill-fated search for Sansa Stark, which was by-and-large pretty boring. George (R. R. Martin) is really, really into details in this book. Or maybe it's just the slew of new characters. The plot stops at the 91% mark, and the remaining 9% is list upon list of characters, separated by House, with info about the houses thoughtfully provided. Still, I slogged through and followed the plot lines, hoping that more Tyrion and Arya and Dany would appear. But no, just a lot of Brienne, Jon at the Wall, Bran being carried by Hordor, and Jamie Lannister, whose golden luster is wearing off.
Wanting to find out What Happens Next, I went back to the Kindle store and got A Dance with Dragons, thinking that Dany would finally get to riding her dragons, and THEN, boy, some interesting stuff was going to pop! But alas, a lot of this book was also full of boring details, and I found myself paging quickly through most of the book without reading. A whole NEW set of characters, three slaver cities, all with people and history, a long sea voyage for Tyrion (boring despite the storms), and Dany going about the boring task of ruling, when she should be out riding dragons. I sped through the book, skimming to get the gist of the plot line, and was disappointed that nothing was resolved at the end.
A trip to Google assured me that the 6th novel in the series will be out this summer. I'm hoping that there's a lot fewer new characters (we have enough history already), a lot fewer descriptions of traveling (boring) and a lot more plot (pretty please). George has promised two battles, one North by the Wall and one South in the slaver cities.
Even with the overload, I'm anxious to find out what happens. These are really fascination books, well written and take me to a place I've never been. I feel the cold at the wall. I feel dirty and cold when the characters ride through the rain.
But what I really want for Dany to take her dragons to the Wall and waste all the Others with their fire. Alas, it looks like that is going to be a good 2,500 pages away.
Recently my cable company opened up On-Demand to show Game of Thrones and Downtown Abby to hook people so they would then pony up the money for HBO. I happened to be really sick that week and I watched two seasons of GoT in three days. Awesome! Engrossing! Fascinating characters, snappy dialog, plots thick with intrigue! Damn you, cable company, I got HOOKED!
I posted on FB, hoping to find someone with HBO who was also hooked so I could invite myself over to watch every week. I planned on offering my brownies as bribes (I'll bring delicious brownies if you let me come watch...). But alas, no response. Did I cave? NO.
Because, I READ. Yes, folks, before there was the HBO series, there were books, but the same author, with the same story line and the same characters. Imagine that! I was jonesing to find out what happened to Tyrion and Arya and Dany, so I pulled out my Kindle and, just like the ads on TV, had the book in my hand in 30 seconds. Oh joy!
I started with the third book (A Storm of Swords), which picked up where the 2nd season left off and started racing through the chapters. The third book in the series introduces a few new characters, but is set mainly in the same places as the first two seasons, so I easily picked up the narrative thread and devoured the book. Still recovering from the illness, I dragged myself home from work, crawled into bed, and went off to Westeros.
From my recent Advanced Writing Workshop (shout out to Linda Watanabe McFerrin), I admired the way each chapter is it's own short story, with an intriguing start ("The invitation seemed innocent enough, but every time Sansa read it her tummy tightened into a knot." "He woke to the creak of old iron hinges.") and bang-up finish. Then you jump to another character in another corner of the universe and the first line is so intriguing you get sucked in again. Great writing, great technique. Very hard to put down.
I must say, however, that I'm glad I started with the HBO series. There are a LOT of characters and having seen actors in the roles, it made it a lot easier to keep them straight. I finished the Storm of Swords in a week (I read freakishly fast. According to the Kindle, it's print length is 1216 pages.) No problem! Back to the Kindle store and in another 30 seconds, A Feast for Crows is available for my reading pleasure.
I jumped in eagerly, but started getting bogged down. This book introduced a lot of new characters, and by introduced, I mean described them, explained where they were from and the entire history surrounding their tiny part of the world, sometimes going back centuries. And religions! Fire ("the night is dark and full of terrors"), Water (the drowned men), the Old Gods (trees), the New Gods (The Seven), then the holy place where Arya finds herself where all gods are One. Some of my favorite characters became minor actors while these new characters took center stage. We followed Brienne, the Maid of Tarth on her ill-fated search for Sansa Stark, which was by-and-large pretty boring. George (R. R. Martin) is really, really into details in this book. Or maybe it's just the slew of new characters. The plot stops at the 91% mark, and the remaining 9% is list upon list of characters, separated by House, with info about the houses thoughtfully provided. Still, I slogged through and followed the plot lines, hoping that more Tyrion and Arya and Dany would appear. But no, just a lot of Brienne, Jon at the Wall, Bran being carried by Hordor, and Jamie Lannister, whose golden luster is wearing off.
Wanting to find out What Happens Next, I went back to the Kindle store and got A Dance with Dragons, thinking that Dany would finally get to riding her dragons, and THEN, boy, some interesting stuff was going to pop! But alas, a lot of this book was also full of boring details, and I found myself paging quickly through most of the book without reading. A whole NEW set of characters, three slaver cities, all with people and history, a long sea voyage for Tyrion (boring despite the storms), and Dany going about the boring task of ruling, when she should be out riding dragons. I sped through the book, skimming to get the gist of the plot line, and was disappointed that nothing was resolved at the end.
A trip to Google assured me that the 6th novel in the series will be out this summer. I'm hoping that there's a lot fewer new characters (we have enough history already), a lot fewer descriptions of traveling (boring) and a lot more plot (pretty please). George has promised two battles, one North by the Wall and one South in the slaver cities.
Even with the overload, I'm anxious to find out what happens. These are really fascination books, well written and take me to a place I've never been. I feel the cold at the wall. I feel dirty and cold when the characters ride through the rain.
But what I really want for Dany to take her dragons to the Wall and waste all the Others with their fire. Alas, it looks like that is going to be a good 2,500 pages away.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Authentic Being
I have a like/hate relationship with Face Book. I've reconnected with old, dear friends with whom I'd lost contact (Annie Leung, Jill Williams, Susan Oldland) and found some great pages (I Love it When I Wake up in the Morning and Barak Obama is President, Thug Kitchen, I Fucking Love Science). On the downside, I have to wade through ads; first it was ads for things my friends 'liked' and now just random sponsored ads. Dr. Oz must be making a gazillion dollars based on how many times his ads show up on my feed.
But there are moments that are wonderful and connecting and transcendent, like this one, which I like so reprise here. A FB friend posted wondering why some people had unfriended her after she posted a photo of one of her art pieces -- a non-offensive, delightful piece made of waves of color. This is a theme I've heard often over the years, and have wondered it myself on occasion. But then I moved to Chico for a job, where I connected with only two people (who were also new to Chico), felt very, very isolated, and spent half my time there trying to figure out how to make friends. Finally, I realized that was never going to happen, not because of who I am, but because of who they are. So here's what I commented on my friend's post, with a bit of expansion (because I'm not typing on my iPhone):
"Fuck 'em. If there's one thing I've learned in the past dark years it is: not everyone is going to like you. And a lot of times, it's not even about you, as strange as that sounds. It's about who they are and what they need in their lives at this specific point in time. Someone told me there are friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime. So people come and go. A lot of people left my life after Jeff passed away and I was no longer throwing huge and wonderful parties flowing with wine and party favors. Those were friends for a reason (gluttony :-) ). I was hurt initially, but now find I do not miss them at all. In the flow of life, they have been replaced with people who enjoy my company, even if it's just a phone call.
So now I work hard at being my most authentic self. I have people in my life that love me. I conduct my business transactions with integrity. And that is enough."
Monday, April 15, 2013
My Last Seven Years by the Numbers
During my recent bout of illness (nasty cold that lasted 6 days), I spent a lot of time thinking about my life, especially the last 7 years, since it has now been 7 years since Jeff passed away. A lot of numbers turned up.
I've lived at:
6 addresses
5 cities
I've had:
6 phone numbers
5 jobs
2 beloved pets die
2 deadbeat boyfriends
many deadbeat friends
I've lost:
most of my possessions
many deadbeat friends
all of my money
contact with a few good friends
But! In that same amount of time, I've accomplished the following:
Completed one book (Oops! You're Dead)
Won National Novel Writing Month (wrote 50,000 words in 1 month)
Started a blog, then started it again
Wrote some poetry
Learned how to budget and live within my means and I'm paying off my debts
Learned how to cook healthy meals
Started exercising on a regular basis
Learned how to replace prozack with gratefuls
Found one excellent boyfriend (we have our 5 year anniversary in July!)
Maintained more solid friendships than most people have in a lifetime
Completed an Advanced Writers Workshop and started a new career as a writer
Got my software development career back on track (this is how I earn my living, the writing is what I do for joy)
Found contentment
So I enter this new phase this Spring with a light heart and a lot of hope. I will have to find a new job in 4 months (this is a contract position), but other than that, my life has stabalized. I'm home, among those I love, in an exciting place where lots of exciting people live and lots of exciting things are going on all the time.
I'm very thrilled about the prospect of what I can do in the next few years if I'm not spending energy in crisis. If I can accomplish all this with all the craziness of the last 7 years, just think what I can do using that energy for new, creative and exciting endeavours!
Here's to the future, and living life to the fullest.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Back on The Blog
I've been gone for over a year. I noticed my last post was on the 6th anniversary of Jeff's death, and now I've passed 7 years. A lot has been shifting in my life, and I've not taken the time to document it.
The most important shift in the last year (besides my glorious return to the Bay Area!) is my finally seeing myself as a writer. Which is why I'm Back on the Blog -- if I am a writer, then I should write, as often as possible.
I completed National Novel Writing Month last November, writing over 50,000 words in 30 days! I had the seed idea of a novel growing for a couple of years, and had wanted to do NaNoWriMo since I first heard of it in the late 90s. But year after year, live would intervene, and so last year, I set aside therapy and a few other things, and started writing. I ended up with a sweeping novel that will eventually be broken into two or three separate novels, about finding ones' self in mid life (your late 40s). I took December off to get my life back on track and deal with Christmas, then in January, took an Advanced Writers Workshop with famed author/editor/contest judge/co-founder of Left Coast Writers/networker extrodinnaire Linda Watanabe McFerrin which in 8 amazing weeks made me feel like I knew a lot more and a lot less than I thought I did.
A lot more, because I have a natural writing ability that comes easily. A lot less, because writing is, after all a craft, and there is a lot about writing publish-able work that I have yet to learn. Linda gives great feedback, and I was surprised at how hard some of it was to hear. After all, I've been writing for years at work (technical design documents), have never been fussed over the criticism, and thought myself immune to it, but it turns out that when the writing is more personal, it's harder to hear. But it's all for the greater good, and all for making the work the best possible work it can be.
When I coded software,I figured out that finishing writing the code is only 1/3 of the process. No matter how beautiful the code, there are kinks to be worked out, and it pretty much always took 2/3s as long as it took to write the program. I'm realizing that a similar ratio is at work with writing stories as well. You write, then re-write and re-write and edit and edit, and then you approch publishability (exept for these blog posts, which are pretty much stream of consciousness).
So I'm maintaining my job in software development (because I've found writing doesn't pay much at all), and will be writing more and more in the future. So expect to see more here in the future.
The most important shift in the last year (besides my glorious return to the Bay Area!) is my finally seeing myself as a writer. Which is why I'm Back on the Blog -- if I am a writer, then I should write, as often as possible.
I completed National Novel Writing Month last November, writing over 50,000 words in 30 days! I had the seed idea of a novel growing for a couple of years, and had wanted to do NaNoWriMo since I first heard of it in the late 90s. But year after year, live would intervene, and so last year, I set aside therapy and a few other things, and started writing. I ended up with a sweeping novel that will eventually be broken into two or three separate novels, about finding ones' self in mid life (your late 40s). I took December off to get my life back on track and deal with Christmas, then in January, took an Advanced Writers Workshop with famed author/editor/contest judge/co-founder of Left Coast Writers/networker extrodinnaire Linda Watanabe McFerrin which in 8 amazing weeks made me feel like I knew a lot more and a lot less than I thought I did.
A lot more, because I have a natural writing ability that comes easily. A lot less, because writing is, after all a craft, and there is a lot about writing publish-able work that I have yet to learn. Linda gives great feedback, and I was surprised at how hard some of it was to hear. After all, I've been writing for years at work (technical design documents), have never been fussed over the criticism, and thought myself immune to it, but it turns out that when the writing is more personal, it's harder to hear. But it's all for the greater good, and all for making the work the best possible work it can be.
When I coded software,I figured out that finishing writing the code is only 1/3 of the process. No matter how beautiful the code, there are kinks to be worked out, and it pretty much always took 2/3s as long as it took to write the program. I'm realizing that a similar ratio is at work with writing stories as well. You write, then re-write and re-write and edit and edit, and then you approch publishability (exept for these blog posts, which are pretty much stream of consciousness).
So I'm maintaining my job in software development (because I've found writing doesn't pay much at all), and will be writing more and more in the future. So expect to see more here in the future.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Today Sucks
Six years ago today, my life blew apart. I woke up and took Hazel & Lucca for a walk. I was exhausted because the night before I came home from walking the dogs to find that Jeff had fallen over into the bathtub and couldn’t get out. His leg was hurting terribly. I couldn’t get him out myself, and went to ask a neighbor for help, to Jeff’s embarrassment. He helped get Jeff out of the tub and onto the bed, and stayed to talk with him while I called the ambulance. Jeff told me to stay home this time, and catch up in the morning, as ER visits were a common occurrence in our 13-year marriage.
I was playing Fate, making the time disappear until I could call the hospital. Our routine was for me to call after the doctor’s rounds - usually around 9. At 8:30, the phone rang. It was a doctor, which was a very uncommon experience. She told me that Jeff had broken his femur and that his body was beginning to shut down and I should come to the hospital immediately. If I knew anyone else who would want to say good by, I should call them as well. I called to work, then sped over to the hospital. I found Jeff in intensive care, with a couple of nurses working hard to keep blood in him. They were hooking a pint of blood into his IV every few minutes. Jeff was alert and in a good mood, introducing me to the nurse. “Oh, so you’re his wife,” she said, pleasantly. “I’ve heard a lot about you. He loves you very much.” I took his hand and leaned over to kiss him. “We love each other very much,” I replied. “How’s he doing?” He’s losing a lot of blood internally, so we’re trying to keep up,” the nurse replied. “I suggest you talk to the doctor.” I kissed Jeff again and went off to find her.
“His body is shutting down,” the doctor told me bluntly. He’s bleeding internally. I don’t expect him to last the night.” I went outside to an enclosed garden close to the intensive care unit, turned on my cell phone and started making calls.
“Jeff’s in the hospital again,” I’d say to message machine after message machine. “It looks like he’s not going to make it this time. Please come down.” I asked a few of our closest friends to call other friends and spread the word. Feeling helpless, I went back to be cheerful for him. I later heard from several friends that when they heard Jeff was in the hospital again, the thought they’d see him on the upcoming weekend. Then they heard the rest of the message and got worried.
The nurses were working steadily to keep blood in his body. He looked worse and was swelling up. We talked of random things to try to take his mind of the constant flow of chatter from the nurses. Every pint of blood had to be verified with his name and patient ID number read and repeated. I thought then that I’d never forget that number. Thankfully, I have.
The people started showing up. Only 2 people can be with the patient at a time, and because of the nurses, they asked to limit it to 1. I went to the waiting room to make room for others be with him. Then I started falling apart.
Around noon, he was losing consciousness and they had to put a tube down his throat, so he would no longer be able to speak. I kissed him and told him I loved him. He told me he loved me and used a secret pet phrase that always made us laugh. I smiled for him, then turned away.
The chaplain came by, a wonderful woman who I remember hazily. She had a separate room for us, since we were such a large crowd and I couldn’t stop crying. By the end of the day, there were 15 people in that tiny room, sending Jeff love, and supporting me.
It was the worst afternoon of my life. People would come in as they heard or as they got off work or were able to make it. I remember not being able to stop crying, and being surrounded by loving people. The afternoon was punctuated by nurses giving me updates as his condition worsened. The would bustle in, tell me that some other part of his body was failing, and what they were doing to try and fix it. Finally, around 5, they told me his kidneys were shutting down and wanted to know if I wanted to put him on dialysis. I had 2 questions. Is it painful? Yes. Will it help him live? No. I said that he had fought long enough and if his body was shutting down, we should let it shut down without adding any additional trauma to his life. He’d been through so much and fought for so long and so hard. Originally, his doctors have him 5 years to live, and he outlasted them by 8 years. I said “Let him go.” And cried. The nurse came back and told me they’d stopped all the life-saving measures, and he looked calm. He was still swollen and had the tube down his throat to breathe, but he looked peaceful. Then she told me that I was very brave for making that decision and all the nurses were really proud of me. It was hard, she said, but trying to keep him alive would just cause him more trauma. God bless her for saying that. At the time, I thought it was the only choice I could have made, but later I appreciated her kindness. And still do.
Finally, they came in and asked if I wanted to spend the night to be there when he passed, or go home. Go home, I said. I’d been there all day and started out tired. I didn’t know if I could sleep, but at least I could lay down. I’d done everything I could for him. For 13 years. Did I want a call when he passed, if it was the middle of the night? I don’t remember what I said, just that I woke up at 6 and called to find out that, against all odds, he had made it through the night. As my friend Rebecca said later when told this, “He always was freakishly strong.” Katy, who along with Jan had spent the night, as they were to stay with me for several more days, asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I was drained, exhausted and just couldn’t. I’d said my goodbyes the day before. I couldn’t say them again. Once was hard enough. “I want to go,” said Katy. I told her to go and go now because he could pass at any time. She left immediately.
He looked so peaceful, she said. They’d taken the tube out of his throat and he was lying peacefully, looking almost well. She held his hand and told him it was ok to go. Like he was waiting for permission, he passed a few minutes later.
My world blew apart. I thought that I was prepared for his passing, but one never is. We were so close, so connected, so entertwined.
So here I am, six years later, healthy and happy. It’s taken this long to put my life back together, re-construct a life without Jeff’s larger-than-life presence. I’ve found strength I didn’t know I had, or had forgotten about. Developed skills and talents that took a back seat to health issues and drama. And even found love again. A different kind of man, because Jeff was so one-of-a-kind, but one who adores me and loves me and has stuck with me through the difficult times when my life was broken. The future is rosy, and full of love.
I was playing Fate, making the time disappear until I could call the hospital. Our routine was for me to call after the doctor’s rounds - usually around 9. At 8:30, the phone rang. It was a doctor, which was a very uncommon experience. She told me that Jeff had broken his femur and that his body was beginning to shut down and I should come to the hospital immediately. If I knew anyone else who would want to say good by, I should call them as well. I called to work, then sped over to the hospital. I found Jeff in intensive care, with a couple of nurses working hard to keep blood in him. They were hooking a pint of blood into his IV every few minutes. Jeff was alert and in a good mood, introducing me to the nurse. “Oh, so you’re his wife,” she said, pleasantly. “I’ve heard a lot about you. He loves you very much.” I took his hand and leaned over to kiss him. “We love each other very much,” I replied. “How’s he doing?” He’s losing a lot of blood internally, so we’re trying to keep up,” the nurse replied. “I suggest you talk to the doctor.” I kissed Jeff again and went off to find her.
“His body is shutting down,” the doctor told me bluntly. He’s bleeding internally. I don’t expect him to last the night.” I went outside to an enclosed garden close to the intensive care unit, turned on my cell phone and started making calls.
“Jeff’s in the hospital again,” I’d say to message machine after message machine. “It looks like he’s not going to make it this time. Please come down.” I asked a few of our closest friends to call other friends and spread the word. Feeling helpless, I went back to be cheerful for him. I later heard from several friends that when they heard Jeff was in the hospital again, the thought they’d see him on the upcoming weekend. Then they heard the rest of the message and got worried.
The nurses were working steadily to keep blood in his body. He looked worse and was swelling up. We talked of random things to try to take his mind of the constant flow of chatter from the nurses. Every pint of blood had to be verified with his name and patient ID number read and repeated. I thought then that I’d never forget that number. Thankfully, I have.
The people started showing up. Only 2 people can be with the patient at a time, and because of the nurses, they asked to limit it to 1. I went to the waiting room to make room for others be with him. Then I started falling apart.
Around noon, he was losing consciousness and they had to put a tube down his throat, so he would no longer be able to speak. I kissed him and told him I loved him. He told me he loved me and used a secret pet phrase that always made us laugh. I smiled for him, then turned away.
The chaplain came by, a wonderful woman who I remember hazily. She had a separate room for us, since we were such a large crowd and I couldn’t stop crying. By the end of the day, there were 15 people in that tiny room, sending Jeff love, and supporting me.
It was the worst afternoon of my life. People would come in as they heard or as they got off work or were able to make it. I remember not being able to stop crying, and being surrounded by loving people. The afternoon was punctuated by nurses giving me updates as his condition worsened. The would bustle in, tell me that some other part of his body was failing, and what they were doing to try and fix it. Finally, around 5, they told me his kidneys were shutting down and wanted to know if I wanted to put him on dialysis. I had 2 questions. Is it painful? Yes. Will it help him live? No. I said that he had fought long enough and if his body was shutting down, we should let it shut down without adding any additional trauma to his life. He’d been through so much and fought for so long and so hard. Originally, his doctors have him 5 years to live, and he outlasted them by 8 years. I said “Let him go.” And cried. The nurse came back and told me they’d stopped all the life-saving measures, and he looked calm. He was still swollen and had the tube down his throat to breathe, but he looked peaceful. Then she told me that I was very brave for making that decision and all the nurses were really proud of me. It was hard, she said, but trying to keep him alive would just cause him more trauma. God bless her for saying that. At the time, I thought it was the only choice I could have made, but later I appreciated her kindness. And still do.
Finally, they came in and asked if I wanted to spend the night to be there when he passed, or go home. Go home, I said. I’d been there all day and started out tired. I didn’t know if I could sleep, but at least I could lay down. I’d done everything I could for him. For 13 years. Did I want a call when he passed, if it was the middle of the night? I don’t remember what I said, just that I woke up at 6 and called to find out that, against all odds, he had made it through the night. As my friend Rebecca said later when told this, “He always was freakishly strong.” Katy, who along with Jan had spent the night, as they were to stay with me for several more days, asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I was drained, exhausted and just couldn’t. I’d said my goodbyes the day before. I couldn’t say them again. Once was hard enough. “I want to go,” said Katy. I told her to go and go now because he could pass at any time. She left immediately.
He looked so peaceful, she said. They’d taken the tube out of his throat and he was lying peacefully, looking almost well. She held his hand and told him it was ok to go. Like he was waiting for permission, he passed a few minutes later.
My world blew apart. I thought that I was prepared for his passing, but one never is. We were so close, so connected, so entertwined.
So here I am, six years later, healthy and happy. It’s taken this long to put my life back together, re-construct a life without Jeff’s larger-than-life presence. I’ve found strength I didn’t know I had, or had forgotten about. Developed skills and talents that took a back seat to health issues and drama. And even found love again. A different kind of man, because Jeff was so one-of-a-kind, but one who adores me and loves me and has stuck with me through the difficult times when my life was broken. The future is rosy, and full of love.
Employed!
Energy and persistence conquer all things.”Benjamin Franklin
After two 1/2 months of the re-vamped job search, success is mine! To keep up my morale, every time a recruiter sent my resume off to a prospective employer, I'd put their name and the name of the company on a Post-It note above my monitor. I figured it was just a numbers game -- eventually, I would get interviews with the folks who were in charge of hiring. I am confident in my interview skills, so I knew if I could get interviews, I would end up with job offers.
In the end, it played out like this: Resumes sent through Dice & LinkedIn: 388 (This includes last fall, before the re-tooling). Interviews with hire-ers: 3 Job offers: 1. I actually had another interview set up on the day I received the offer, but called to cancel, as the offer on the plate was more long-term and therefore more desirable.
And the winner is: Me, of course. I'll be working at Wells Fargo as a Business Systems Analyst, working on adding features to their Small Business Payroll service. Long contract. Good Pay. Benefits options. And most importantly, working in the Bay Area, right where I want to be.
Success is sweet.
After two 1/2 months of the re-vamped job search, success is mine! To keep up my morale, every time a recruiter sent my resume off to a prospective employer, I'd put their name and the name of the company on a Post-It note above my monitor. I figured it was just a numbers game -- eventually, I would get interviews with the folks who were in charge of hiring. I am confident in my interview skills, so I knew if I could get interviews, I would end up with job offers.
In the end, it played out like this: Resumes sent through Dice & LinkedIn: 388 (This includes last fall, before the re-tooling). Interviews with hire-ers: 3 Job offers: 1. I actually had another interview set up on the day I received the offer, but called to cancel, as the offer on the plate was more long-term and therefore more desirable.
And the winner is: Me, of course. I'll be working at Wells Fargo as a Business Systems Analyst, working on adding features to their Small Business Payroll service. Long contract. Good Pay. Benefits options. And most importantly, working in the Bay Area, right where I want to be.
Success is sweet.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Keep On Keeping On
“Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs.” Malcom Forbes, Jr.
So, at my desk first thing Monday morning, ready to send out yet another flight of resumes to posting on Dice and LinkedIn, each one sent with a wing and prayer. And I get a call! A job that I really wanted three months ago has re-surfaced! It's a work-from-home job for three months at a really great rate! It will give me three months of solid cushioning to pay rent and look for more permanent work.
Of course, this does not mean I'm not sending out the other resumes! I'm off to do that now. But I do so with more hope in my heart that the perfect job is out there. And you never know when something will come up or from what direction. My boyfriend says it's a numbers game; if you put enough resumes out there, one of them is bound to pay off.
I'm all about playing the odds!
So, at my desk first thing Monday morning, ready to send out yet another flight of resumes to posting on Dice and LinkedIn, each one sent with a wing and prayer. And I get a call! A job that I really wanted three months ago has re-surfaced! It's a work-from-home job for three months at a really great rate! It will give me three months of solid cushioning to pay rent and look for more permanent work.
Of course, this does not mean I'm not sending out the other resumes! I'm off to do that now. But I do so with more hope in my heart that the perfect job is out there. And you never know when something will come up or from what direction. My boyfriend says it's a numbers game; if you put enough resumes out there, one of them is bound to pay off.
I'm all about playing the odds!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Start Me Up (Again)
“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” – Mark Twain
So, moving sucks. I know this is not breaking news, but since it's all I've been doing for the last 3 weeks, I feel like mentioning it.
After taking the plunge and moving to where I want to be (The Bay Area), I am ready to re-engage the job search this week. I've been fielding a few calls, but have not been active. The main reason for this is all my brain power has been taken up with moving, which is essentially an endless round of decision-making. First, the packing: Should I put the breakable vase in this box or that box? Then the unpacking. I know that I'm not going to re-arrange my kitchen cabinets ever, so I need to make sure that when I fill them up now, the locations of things make logical sense so I'm not running across the kitchen to find a stirring spoon I need at the stove. I'm lucky to have this time, and thank god I didn't have to do the move and the new job all at the same time! I've been completely exhausted and am just now getting back on my feet energetically.
And ready to get back to the work of finding a job.
Luckily, there are still a lot of jobs for Business Analysts out there. And because I know people who understand networking, I have the potential for referrals, which was an unavailable option in Chico. I went to an open house for my fabulous insurance agent and met a slew of interesting, successful folks, one of whom has a wife who works in a bank who is looking for a BA! Even if that amounts to nothing, it is encouraging. And makes me glad I had those business cards made up last fall. They're finally coming in handy!
It's easy to get overwhelmed, so I'm encouraging myself to take Mr. Twain's advice: Break things down, then down again, and don't put too many things on your list each day. Having 20 things on your To Do list and accomplishing 10 makes me feel like I'm not working hard enough. Having 10 things on the list and accomplishing them all makes me feel like I'm really accomplishing things.
So, moving sucks. I know this is not breaking news, but since it's all I've been doing for the last 3 weeks, I feel like mentioning it.
After taking the plunge and moving to where I want to be (The Bay Area), I am ready to re-engage the job search this week. I've been fielding a few calls, but have not been active. The main reason for this is all my brain power has been taken up with moving, which is essentially an endless round of decision-making. First, the packing: Should I put the breakable vase in this box or that box? Then the unpacking. I know that I'm not going to re-arrange my kitchen cabinets ever, so I need to make sure that when I fill them up now, the locations of things make logical sense so I'm not running across the kitchen to find a stirring spoon I need at the stove. I'm lucky to have this time, and thank god I didn't have to do the move and the new job all at the same time! I've been completely exhausted and am just now getting back on my feet energetically.
And ready to get back to the work of finding a job.
Luckily, there are still a lot of jobs for Business Analysts out there. And because I know people who understand networking, I have the potential for referrals, which was an unavailable option in Chico. I went to an open house for my fabulous insurance agent and met a slew of interesting, successful folks, one of whom has a wife who works in a bank who is looking for a BA! Even if that amounts to nothing, it is encouraging. And makes me glad I had those business cards made up last fall. They're finally coming in handy!
It's easy to get overwhelmed, so I'm encouraging myself to take Mr. Twain's advice: Break things down, then down again, and don't put too many things on your list each day. Having 20 things on your To Do list and accomplishing 10 makes me feel like I'm not working hard enough. Having 10 things on the list and accomplishing them all makes me feel like I'm really accomplishing things.
Monday, January 30, 2012
4 Words that Strike Terror: Apply on Company Website
Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit. Napoleon Hill
One huge drawback to automation is that each company doing its own recruiting wants you to enter your information into their system. I don't mind giving them my info, of course, but it really gripes me that I spent hours and hours on my resume only to have to hand enter all the information again into each company's HR system. OK, not hand enter entirely, because I can cut and paste huge swaths of data from my resume which already has the information, but still. It can easily take 20 minutes to go through 1 company's HR software, repeating information that is already available in my resume.
All of this BEFORE the possibility of an interview! It's ridiculous! I wouldn't mind this tedious task AFTER an interview, when there is an actual possibility of a job, but before the interview is just too tedious for words. I've gotten to the point where I almost never apply when I see a company website because there are so many jobs on Dice and LinkedIn that do not require going through all those hoops again and again and again. It's just because the HR team is lazy and doesn't want to have to follow up. There is no reason that I should give anyone my references until I've had a 1st interview. There's also no reason to re-create my resume in 5 or 6 different formats every day.
And as long as I'm ranting, those extraction programs need a lot of work. Maybe I should find the company that sells that POC and offer to upgrade their system. I give them my resume and they put the information in odd places and I have to just cut and paste it all again anyway into the correct fields. I keep using it on the off chance that the system may actually work at some time.
What this does is quash creativity. Your resume must be created in their format, or it causes you no end of trouble. If your work history is slightly interesting or, in my case, you took a couple of years off for personal reasons, watch out! Those systems have no way of processing anything other than strict conformity. What used to set me apart, an interesting, creative resume, is now a liability because I have to enter it into so many HR systems it is turning into a time drain.
*Sigh* Now that that's out of my system, time to go apply!
One huge drawback to automation is that each company doing its own recruiting wants you to enter your information into their system. I don't mind giving them my info, of course, but it really gripes me that I spent hours and hours on my resume only to have to hand enter all the information again into each company's HR system. OK, not hand enter entirely, because I can cut and paste huge swaths of data from my resume which already has the information, but still. It can easily take 20 minutes to go through 1 company's HR software, repeating information that is already available in my resume.
All of this BEFORE the possibility of an interview! It's ridiculous! I wouldn't mind this tedious task AFTER an interview, when there is an actual possibility of a job, but before the interview is just too tedious for words. I've gotten to the point where I almost never apply when I see a company website because there are so many jobs on Dice and LinkedIn that do not require going through all those hoops again and again and again. It's just because the HR team is lazy and doesn't want to have to follow up. There is no reason that I should give anyone my references until I've had a 1st interview. There's also no reason to re-create my resume in 5 or 6 different formats every day.
And as long as I'm ranting, those extraction programs need a lot of work. Maybe I should find the company that sells that POC and offer to upgrade their system. I give them my resume and they put the information in odd places and I have to just cut and paste it all again anyway into the correct fields. I keep using it on the off chance that the system may actually work at some time.
What this does is quash creativity. Your resume must be created in their format, or it causes you no end of trouble. If your work history is slightly interesting or, in my case, you took a couple of years off for personal reasons, watch out! Those systems have no way of processing anything other than strict conformity. What used to set me apart, an interesting, creative resume, is now a liability because I have to enter it into so many HR systems it is turning into a time drain.
*Sigh* Now that that's out of my system, time to go apply!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
"Ability will never catch up with the demand for it." Confucius
This has been a momentous week! I have not one, but TWO second interviews scheduled!! After 5 months of creating resumes and cover letters, revising resumes and cover letters, applying, applying, applying, talking to recruiters, revising resumes, talking to recruiters, rethinking my strategy, asking for advice on what to change, taking the advice, changing things up, revising my resume and cover letter, applying, applying, applying, talking to recruiters, and never hearing back -- this is the week that forward movement was achieved!
I know interviews are not jobs but I am confident in my interview skills. Even if neither of these positions is a good fit, just the fact that I'm moving forward is tremendously exciting and a clear indication that I'm on the right path. I'm taking today off the job search -- sending out resumes and spending 30 minutes after pressing the button with those dreaded words "Apply on Company Website." I am not suspending the search by any means. I learned early on in my career to follow the old adage, "You never stop looking for a job until your first day of work." But after five months, I believe I deserve this day of celebration.
I know interviews are not jobs but I am confident in my interview skills. Even if neither of these positions is a good fit, just the fact that I'm moving forward is tremendously exciting and a clear indication that I'm on the right path. I'm taking today off the job search -- sending out resumes and spending 30 minutes after pressing the button with those dreaded words "Apply on Company Website." I am not suspending the search by any means. I learned early on in my career to follow the old adage, "You never stop looking for a job until your first day of work." But after five months, I believe I deserve this day of celebration.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. MLK
A brief moment on this Martin Luther King, Jr. day to pause and reflect on the joys of living in a democracy and a moment of silence for those who died for the right to vote -- the Freedom Fighters of 1775-1776, all the way down to the Civil Rights activists. Even the Occupy forces are an offshoot of this. And shame on you if you do not vote. It is more than a right, it is a responsibility. People DIED to have this opportunity and we take it too lightly in this country. Left, Right, Green, Tea, I don't care. Although I have very strong personal opinions, it is the fundamental right.
In Australia, they have voter turnout of over 90% because you get fined if you don't vote. It would be really interesting to see how the country would change if Everyone voted (or if it would change).
So on this day of remembrance, make sure you're registered to vote and contemplate the men and women who dedicated (and gave) their lives for this right. Interesting fact -- the 100 year anniversary of women's right to vote was just last year. It hasn't been all that long, folks.
In Australia, they have voter turnout of over 90% because you get fined if you don't vote. It would be really interesting to see how the country would change if Everyone voted (or if it would change).
So on this day of remembrance, make sure you're registered to vote and contemplate the men and women who dedicated (and gave) their lives for this right. Interesting fact -- the 100 year anniversary of women's right to vote was just last year. It hasn't been all that long, folks.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Stop Digging - Kaiser this means you.
“When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.” – Will Rogers
I've decided to stop sending resumes to Kaiser. I've applied for around 20 jobs of various kinds and have heard NOTHING. There's only one recruiter who even had the courtesy to call me to tell me I wasn't selected (Shira, you Rock!). It's enticing, wanting to work for one of the largest employers in the Bay Area. There's the theory that if you get your foot in the consulting door, you could work for them for a long time. There's the stability (most of their jobs are 1-2 year gigs).
Then, there's the downsides. Their jobs are only available through recruiters. For every, single job, the recruiter wants me to re-work my resume to tailor it to the specific language of the job posting. Most of the recruiters claim to have exclusive claim to the position, but then I get calls from other recruiters who've found my resume on Dice and pitch the same job. For every single requisition number, you have to fill out an exclusive permission form and fax it back to the recruiter (which I have to do at work because I no longer have a fax machine at home since I gave up my landline). They pay $5-10/hr less than other companies for similar positions.
But the biggest downside is that after all this work, I have not received one interview. I have come to the conclusion that there is something in my resume that excludes me from Kaiser's wanted list. There are lots of other jobs out there. I'm going to quit spending my time digging this hole.
I've decided to stop sending resumes to Kaiser. I've applied for around 20 jobs of various kinds and have heard NOTHING. There's only one recruiter who even had the courtesy to call me to tell me I wasn't selected (Shira, you Rock!). It's enticing, wanting to work for one of the largest employers in the Bay Area. There's the theory that if you get your foot in the consulting door, you could work for them for a long time. There's the stability (most of their jobs are 1-2 year gigs).
Then, there's the downsides. Their jobs are only available through recruiters. For every, single job, the recruiter wants me to re-work my resume to tailor it to the specific language of the job posting. Most of the recruiters claim to have exclusive claim to the position, but then I get calls from other recruiters who've found my resume on Dice and pitch the same job. For every single requisition number, you have to fill out an exclusive permission form and fax it back to the recruiter (which I have to do at work because I no longer have a fax machine at home since I gave up my landline). They pay $5-10/hr less than other companies for similar positions.
But the biggest downside is that after all this work, I have not received one interview. I have come to the conclusion that there is something in my resume that excludes me from Kaiser's wanted list. There are lots of other jobs out there. I'm going to quit spending my time digging this hole.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Where, oh Where has my Pedometer Gone?
“Never confuse motion with action.” Benjamin Franklin
So I was really getting into it - tracking my steps. On goal for 4000 a day with spikes on the days I don't do the 15 Minute Fitness gig. Writing down the steps every day, walking blocks out of the way to amp up the numbers. I spent the morning two days ago logging how many steps it takes to go to the bathroom from my new desk at work: short way vs. long way. If I take the long way every time, and go to the kitchen or bathroom 4 times a day, taking the long way will get me an extra mile by the end of the week!
Tracking, moving forward, making progress. Then, BAM! No pedometer. Honestly, it had come off several times before, but I'd always been able to find it again. I was lost. Adrift. How can I tell how well I'm going? Goals need specific, actionable items in order to be real (see, I did get something from management training).
So I took Action (thank you, Mr. Franklin). Enter Amazon and their 24-7 shopping experience. Not only did I replace the exact model of pedometer, I added a 'leash.' Evidently, I attach the leash to the pedometer, attach it to my belt as well, then if the pedometer takes a leap, it will be caught by the leash.
Here's hoping it works!
So I was really getting into it - tracking my steps. On goal for 4000 a day with spikes on the days I don't do the 15 Minute Fitness gig. Writing down the steps every day, walking blocks out of the way to amp up the numbers. I spent the morning two days ago logging how many steps it takes to go to the bathroom from my new desk at work: short way vs. long way. If I take the long way every time, and go to the kitchen or bathroom 4 times a day, taking the long way will get me an extra mile by the end of the week!
Tracking, moving forward, making progress. Then, BAM! No pedometer. Honestly, it had come off several times before, but I'd always been able to find it again. I was lost. Adrift. How can I tell how well I'm going? Goals need specific, actionable items in order to be real (see, I did get something from management training).
So I took Action (thank you, Mr. Franklin). Enter Amazon and their 24-7 shopping experience. Not only did I replace the exact model of pedometer, I added a 'leash.' Evidently, I attach the leash to the pedometer, attach it to my belt as well, then if the pedometer takes a leap, it will be caught by the leash.
Here's hoping it works!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
"Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction." Will Rogers
So what's with the guessing game regarding rates for consulting jobs? During my last job search, rates were stated up front. Now, I think there's must be some new incentive to place me at the lowest rate possible. I've had more than a couple of recruiters balk when I ask what the rate is. Seriously? I know the rate is included with the job description, so why are they so reluctant to share that information? These are consulting jobs, so it's not like a high level of job satisfaction over time will compensate for a lower rate as it might in a permanent position. The only trade-off in consulting is money for time and expertise.
This rant comes because yesterday I had a recruiter really torf me off. First she tells me I need to re-vamp my resume before she can submit it. While this is fairly common these days (I seem to have to change my resume for each new recruiter, and sometimes each new job), she had not quoted a rate. Earlier yesterday I had a long conversation with another recruiter about a job that sounded like a lot of fun, but turned out to be $10/hr under the low end of my scale. So I'm flinchy about spending time on a job that is going to be nowhere near my range.
I ask the recruiter if the job was within a range, and gave her $15/hr leaway. This was her response: "The rate is determined bythe candidate's experience as it pertains to the required skills/needs of the client. So without having a conversation with you, and going over everything and determining if you are qualified for the position, I could not quote you a rate. I hope this answers your question."
Seriously??? OK, first, no, that doesn't answer my question. Second, you contacted me . Why did you contact me if you hadn't at least glanced at my resume to determine if I was qualified?
Luckily, there are hundreds of other recruiters out there to work with.
This rant comes because yesterday I had a recruiter really torf me off. First she tells me I need to re-vamp my resume before she can submit it. While this is fairly common these days (I seem to have to change my resume for each new recruiter, and sometimes each new job), she had not quoted a rate. Earlier yesterday I had a long conversation with another recruiter about a job that sounded like a lot of fun, but turned out to be $10/hr under the low end of my scale. So I'm flinchy about spending time on a job that is going to be nowhere near my range.
I ask the recruiter if the job was within a range, and gave her $15/hr leaway. This was her response: "The rate is determined bythe candidate's experience as it pertains to the required skills/needs of the client. So without having a conversation with you, and going over everything and determining if you are qualified for the position, I could not quote you a rate. I hope this answers your question."
Seriously??? OK, first, no, that doesn't answer my question. Second, you contacted me . Why did you contact me if you hadn't at least glanced at my resume to determine if I was qualified?
Luckily, there are hundreds of other recruiters out there to work with.
Friday, January 6, 2012
A creative (wo)man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. Any Rand
I am being brave here and taking a stand on something I might not accomplish. I want to be in the Bay to Breakers race this year.
I have wanted to do this on a conceptual level for many years, but never had the means to make it happen. After spending last year on establishing healthy habits, I have a solid foundation on which to build the stamina necessary for the race. I'm walking, not running, but completing the course is my goal. No, I don't know what I'm going to dress up as yet, that will come later in the stages were I'm walking 8-9 miles each weekend and I need something encouraging to think about.
So last year I got a pedometer for a fitness challenge at work and set my goal at 1500 steps a day. I made it most days and was thrilled when I got over 2000 a few times. You have to understand that I was coming from total couch potato status. (A mile is about 2000 steps).
I put the pedometer back on last month and at the end of the month got serious. I've improved my stamina and my goal is 4000 steps a day. For the month of January, I am adding walks on the weekends, which were typically sedentary for me, and work on taking some sustained walks. I can walk to work easily now (it's 3-1/2 blocks). Don't laugh, when the company moved there in July, it seemed like a really long way, so this is progress! So anyway, I want to do some more sustained walking so that by the end of the month I can walk for one or two miles at a continuous stretch.
I figure that this will give me a solid foundation on which to move forward to increase the walking steadily over the next 4 months to the 9 miles I will need to be able to walk for the race. I know, I know, Hayes Street Hill is a factor, so some of the prep will have to include the hill stuff. I'm hoping that I'll be back home by then and will be able to practice the hard parts of the route in person.
In the past, I've pushed myself too hard too fast and have not succeeded. I'm going by the bunny's motto (you know, slow and steady....)
I am already winning -- over the last two weeks of pedometer tracking, I've logged over 6000 steps 3 times, and over 5000 steps 3 times.
I have wanted to do this on a conceptual level for many years, but never had the means to make it happen. After spending last year on establishing healthy habits, I have a solid foundation on which to build the stamina necessary for the race. I'm walking, not running, but completing the course is my goal. No, I don't know what I'm going to dress up as yet, that will come later in the stages were I'm walking 8-9 miles each weekend and I need something encouraging to think about.
So last year I got a pedometer for a fitness challenge at work and set my goal at 1500 steps a day. I made it most days and was thrilled when I got over 2000 a few times. You have to understand that I was coming from total couch potato status. (A mile is about 2000 steps).
I put the pedometer back on last month and at the end of the month got serious. I've improved my stamina and my goal is 4000 steps a day. For the month of January, I am adding walks on the weekends, which were typically sedentary for me, and work on taking some sustained walks. I can walk to work easily now (it's 3-1/2 blocks). Don't laugh, when the company moved there in July, it seemed like a really long way, so this is progress! So anyway, I want to do some more sustained walking so that by the end of the month I can walk for one or two miles at a continuous stretch.
I figure that this will give me a solid foundation on which to move forward to increase the walking steadily over the next 4 months to the 9 miles I will need to be able to walk for the race. I know, I know, Hayes Street Hill is a factor, so some of the prep will have to include the hill stuff. I'm hoping that I'll be back home by then and will be able to practice the hard parts of the route in person.
In the past, I've pushed myself too hard too fast and have not succeeded. I'm going by the bunny's motto (you know, slow and steady....)
I am already winning -- over the last two weeks of pedometer tracking, I've logged over 6000 steps 3 times, and over 5000 steps 3 times.
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