9 Years a Widow

March 29th.  Today is the 9th anniversary of Jeff's death.  I'm still surprised at how much his effected me, given that I had spent years imagining it and thinking about it at and how I was going to react, thus thinking I was prepared.  But I was completely unprepared for the emotional impact, which was total, enveloping my life and paralyzing me for a long time.

Many people have dropped away.  Certainly all the folks who were around just for the free food and treats and good times.  Some who seemed to be friends, but turned out to be just leeches.   Good riddance to them. Also some who dropped away as my life spiraled out of control and I was making desperate decision that impacted others in a less than positive way.  I understand them and am saddened by my loss.

But there are you who are reading this who weathered my dark night (season, years) of the soul.  You are still with me, having heard the terror and fear in my voice.  You loved and supported me, and watched as I pulled myself back out into the land of the living.  I cherish you beyond measure.

There are those reading this who never met Jeff.  He was a complicated and compelling man, and created lasting friendships of great depth.  He was dramatic, supportive, pushy, snobby, artistic, creative, crazy, fun, harsh, generous, and (as one friend said when he lasted 18 hours after being taken off life support) freakishly strong.  He was my husband for 13 years.

I have a new relationship that is wonderful, supportive, and calm.   I am blessed with many friends, old and new.  My life has much less drama.  This means less excitement, but I'm ok with that.   I am working towards finding out who I am without the whirlwind that was Jeff.  It's a process.  I am, in a large part, the woman I am today because of my relationship with Jeff.

I've been cleaning up my office space to make a "writing dojo" so I have a place to finish my book and do other writing.  In the process, I found old notebooks, and some of Jeff's old stuff.   I am now using one old notebook of Jeff's to write new recipes and menus (appropriate, eh?).  There were only 3 pages used, one a list of his paintings and prices, one a bio he used for his painting shows, and then this.  His notes for his vows for our 10th wedding anniversary:

"Weren't sure if we would make it one year -- strength, love, commitment -- (next page)

"Ever since the first time we met, I have thought about you constantly.  That was followed by astronomical phone bills and visits we could barely afford.

"When I got diagnosed, ten minutes was very important, turned into ten hours, hours into ten months, and finally months into ten years.

"Nothing has come easy for us.  What makes a person look forward to every day?  It's the eternal love and commitment that I pledge to uphold..."