Today Sucks

Six years ago today, my life blew apart.  I woke up and took Hazel & Lucca for a walk.  I was exhausted because the night before I came home from walking the dogs to find that Jeff had fallen over into the bathtub and couldn’t get out.  His leg was hurting terribly.  I couldn’t get him out myself, and went to ask a neighbor for help, to Jeff’s embarrassment.  He helped get Jeff out of the tub and onto the bed, and stayed to talk with him while I called the ambulance.  Jeff told me to stay home this time, and catch up in the morning, as ER visits were a common occurrence in our 13-year marriage.

I was playing Fate, making the time disappear until I could call the hospital.  Our routine was for me to call after the doctor’s rounds - usually around 9.  At 8:30, the phone rang.  It was a doctor, which was a very uncommon experience.  She told me that Jeff had broken his femur and that his body was beginning to shut down and I should come to the hospital immediately.  If I knew anyone else who would want to say good by, I should call them as well.  I called to work, then sped over to the hospital. I found Jeff in intensive care, with a couple of nurses working hard to keep blood in him.  They were hooking a pint of blood into his IV every few minutes.  Jeff was alert and in a good mood, introducing me to the nurse.  “Oh, so you’re his wife,” she said, pleasantly.  “I’ve heard a lot about you.  He loves you very much.”  I took his hand and leaned over to kiss him.  “We love each other very much,” I replied.  “How’s he doing?”  He’s losing a lot of blood internally, so we’re trying to keep up,” the nurse replied.  “I suggest you talk to the doctor.”  I kissed Jeff again and went off to find her.

“His body is shutting down,” the doctor told me bluntly.  He’s bleeding internally.  I don’t expect him to last the night.”  I went outside to an enclosed garden close to the intensive care unit, turned on my cell phone and started making calls.

 “Jeff’s in the hospital again,” I’d say to message machine after message machine.  “It looks like he’s not going to make it this time. Please come down.”  I asked a few of our closest friends to call other friends and spread the word.  Feeling helpless, I went back to be cheerful for him.  I later heard from several friends that when they heard Jeff was in the hospital again, the thought they’d see him on the upcoming weekend.  Then they heard the rest of the message and got worried.

The nurses were working steadily to keep blood in his body.  He looked worse and was swelling up.  We talked of random things to try to take his mind of the constant flow of chatter from the nurses.  Every pint of blood had to be verified with his name and patient ID number read and repeated.  I thought then that I’d never forget that number.  Thankfully, I have.

The people started showing up.  Only 2 people can be with the patient at a time, and because of the nurses, they asked to limit it to 1.  I went to the waiting room to make room for others be with him.  Then I started falling apart.

Around noon, he was losing consciousness and they had to put a tube down his throat, so he would no longer be able to speak.  I kissed him and told him I loved him.  He told me he loved me and used a secret pet phrase that always made us laugh.  I smiled for him, then turned away.

The chaplain came by, a wonderful woman who I remember hazily.  She had a separate room for us, since we were such a large crowd and I couldn’t stop crying.  By the end of the day, there were 15 people in that tiny room, sending Jeff love, and supporting me.

It was the worst afternoon of my life.  People would come in as they heard or as they got off work or were able to make it.  I remember not being able to stop crying, and being surrounded by loving people.  The afternoon was punctuated by nurses giving me updates as his condition worsened.  The would bustle in, tell me that some other part of his body was failing, and what they were doing to try and fix it.  Finally, around 5, they told me his kidneys were shutting down and wanted to know if I wanted to put him on dialysis.  I had 2 questions.  Is it painful? Yes.  Will it help him live? No.  I said that he had fought long enough and if his body was shutting down, we should let it shut down without adding any additional trauma to his life.  He’d been through so much and fought for so long and so hard.  Originally, his doctors have him 5 years to live, and he outlasted them by 8 years.  I said “Let him go.” And cried.  The nurse came back and told me they’d stopped all the life-saving measures, and he looked calm.  He was still swollen and had the tube down his throat to breathe, but he looked peaceful.  Then she told me that I was very brave for making that decision and all the nurses were really proud of me.  It was hard, she said, but trying to keep him alive would just cause him more trauma.  God bless her for saying that.  At the time, I thought it was the only choice I could have made, but later I appreciated her kindness.   And still do.

Finally, they came in and asked if I wanted to spend the night to be there when he passed, or go home.  Go home, I said.  I’d been there all day and started out tired.  I didn’t know if I could sleep, but at least I could lay down.  I’d done everything I could for him.  For 13 years.  Did I want a call when he passed, if it was the middle of the night? I don’t remember what I said, just that I woke up at 6 and called to find out that, against all odds, he had made it through the night.  As my friend Rebecca said later when told this, “He always was freakishly strong.”  Katy, who along with Jan had spent the night, as they were to stay with me for several more days, asked if I wanted to go to the hospital.  I was drained, exhausted and just couldn’t.  I’d said my goodbyes the day before.  I couldn’t say them again.  Once was hard enough.  “I want to go,” said Katy.  I told her to go and go now because he could pass at any time.  She left immediately.

He looked so peaceful, she said.  They’d taken the tube out of his throat and he was lying peacefully, looking almost well.  She held his hand and told him it was ok to go.  Like he was waiting for permission, he passed a few minutes later.

My world blew apart.  I thought that I was prepared for his passing, but one never is.  We were so close, so connected, so entertwined.

So here I am, six years later, healthy and happy.  It’s taken this long to put my life back together, re-construct a life without Jeff’s larger-than-life presence.  I’ve found strength I didn’t know I had, or had forgotten about.  Developed skills and talents that took a back seat to health issues and drama.  And even found love again.  A different kind of man, because Jeff was so one-of-a-kind, but one who adores me and loves me and has stuck with me through the difficult times when my life was broken.  The future is rosy, and full of love.

Employed!

Energy and persistence conquer all things.”Benjamin Franklin  


After two 1/2 months of the re-vamped job search, success is mine!  To keep up my morale, every time a recruiter sent my resume off to a prospective employer, I'd put their name and the name of the company on a Post-It note above my monitor.  I figured it was just a numbers game -- eventually, I would get interviews with the folks who were in charge of hiring.  I am confident in my interview skills, so I knew if I could get interviews, I would end up with job offers.

In the end, it played out like this:  Resumes sent through Dice & LinkedIn: 388 (This includes last fall, before the re-tooling). Interviews with hire-ers: 3  Job offers: 1.  I actually had another interview set up on the day I received the offer, but called to cancel, as the offer on the plate was more long-term and therefore more desirable.

And the winner is: Me, of course.  I'll be working at Wells Fargo as a Business Systems Analyst, working on adding features to their Small Business Payroll service.  Long contract.  Good Pay.  Benefits options.  And most importantly, working in the Bay Area, right where I want to be.

Success is sweet.

Keep On Keeping On

“Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs.” Malcom Forbes, Jr.

So, at my desk first thing Monday morning, ready to send out yet another flight of resumes to posting on Dice and LinkedIn, each one sent with a wing and prayer.  And I get a call!  A job that I really wanted three months ago has re-surfaced!  It's a work-from-home job for three months at a really great rate!  It will give me three months of solid cushioning to pay rent and look for more permanent work. 


Of course, this does not mean I'm not sending out the other resumes!  I'm off to do that now.  But I do so with more hope in my heart that the perfect job is out there.  And you never know when something will come up or from what direction.  My boyfriend says it's a numbers game; if you put enough resumes out there, one of them is bound to pay off.


I'm all about playing the odds!

Start Me Up (Again)

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” – Mark Twain


So, moving sucks.  I know this is not breaking news, but since it's all I've been doing for the last 3 weeks, I feel like mentioning it.

After taking the plunge and moving to where I want to be (The Bay Area), I am ready to re-engage the job search this week.  I've been fielding a few calls, but have not been active.  The main reason for this is all my brain power has been taken up with moving, which is essentially an endless round of decision-making. First, the packing: Should I put the breakable vase in this box or that box?  Then the unpacking.  I know that I'm not going to re-arrange my kitchen cabinets ever, so I need to make sure that when I fill them up now, the locations of things make logical sense so I'm not running across the kitchen to find a stirring spoon I need at the stove.  I'm lucky to have this time, and thank god I didn't have to do the move and the new job all at the same time!  I've been completely exhausted and am just now getting back on my feet energetically.


And ready to get back to the work of finding a job.


Luckily, there are still a lot of jobs for Business Analysts out there.  And because I know people who understand networking, I have the potential for referrals, which was an unavailable option in Chico.  I went to an open house for my fabulous insurance agent and met a slew of interesting, successful folks, one of whom has a wife who works in a bank who is looking for a BA!  Even if that amounts to nothing, it is encouraging.  And makes me glad I had those business cards made up last fall.  They're finally coming in handy!

It's easy to get overwhelmed, so I'm encouraging myself to take Mr. Twain's advice:  Break things down, then down again, and don't put too many things on your list each day.  Having 20 things on your To Do list and accomplishing 10 makes me feel like I'm not working hard enough.  Having 10 things on the list and accomplishing them all makes me feel like I'm really accomplishing things.

4 Words that Strike Terror: Apply on Company Website

Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit.  Napoleon Hill

One huge drawback to automation is that each company doing its own recruiting wants you to enter your information into their system.  I don't mind giving them my info, of course, but it really gripes me that I spent hours and hours on my resume only to have to hand enter all the information again into each company's HR system.  OK, not hand enter entirely, because I can cut and paste huge swaths of data from my resume which already has the information, but still.  It can easily take 20 minutes to go through 1 company's HR software, repeating information that is already available in my resume.

All of this BEFORE the possibility of an interview!  It's ridiculous!  I wouldn't mind this tedious task AFTER an interview, when there is an actual possibility of a job, but before the interview is just too tedious for words.  I've gotten to the point where I almost never apply when I see a company website because there are so many jobs on Dice and LinkedIn that do not require going through all those hoops again and again and again.  It's just because the HR team is lazy and doesn't want to have to follow up.  There is no reason that I should give anyone my references until I've had a 1st interview.  There's also no reason to re-create my resume in 5 or 6 different formats every day.


And as long as I'm ranting, those extraction programs need a lot of work.  Maybe I should find the company that sells that POC and offer to upgrade their system.  I give them my resume and they put the information in odd places and I have to just cut and paste it all again anyway into the correct fields.  I keep using it on the off chance that the system may actually work at some time.


What this does is quash creativity.  Your resume must be created in their format, or it causes you no end of trouble.  If your work history is slightly interesting or, in my case, you took a couple of years off for personal reasons, watch out!  Those systems have no way of processing anything other than strict conformity.   What used to set me apart, an interesting, creative resume, is now a liability because I have to enter it into so many HR systems it is turning into a time drain.


*Sigh*  Now that that's out of my system, time to go apply!

"Ability will never catch up with the demand for it." Confucius

This has been a momentous week!  I have not one, but TWO second interviews scheduled!! After 5 months of creating resumes and cover letters, revising resumes and cover letters, applying, applying, applying, talking to recruiters, revising resumes, talking to recruiters, rethinking my strategy, asking for advice on what to change, taking the advice, changing things up, revising my resume and cover letter, applying, applying, applying, talking to recruiters, and never hearing back -- this is the week that forward movement was achieved!

I know interviews are not jobs but I am confident in my interview skills.  Even if neither of these positions is a good fit, just the fact that I'm moving forward is tremendously exciting and a clear indication that I'm on the right path.  I'm taking today off the job search -- sending out resumes and spending 30 minutes after pressing the button with those dreaded words "Apply on Company Website."  I am not suspending the search by any means.  I learned early on in my career to follow the old adage, "You never stop looking for a job until your first day of work."  But after five months, I believe I deserve this day of celebration.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. MLK

A brief moment on this Martin Luther King, Jr. day to pause and reflect on the joys of living in a democracy and a moment of silence for those who died for the right to vote -- the Freedom Fighters of 1775-1776, all the way down to the Civil Rights activists.  Even the Occupy forces are an offshoot of this.  And shame on you if you do not vote.  It is more than a right, it is a responsibility.  People DIED to have this opportunity and we take it too lightly in this country.  Left, Right, Green, Tea, I don't care.  Although I have very strong personal opinions, it is the fundamental right.

In Australia, they have voter turnout of over 90% because you get fined if you don't vote.  It would be really interesting to see how the country would change if Everyone voted (or if it would change).

So on this day of remembrance,  make sure you're registered to vote and contemplate the men and women who dedicated (and gave) their lives for this right.  Interesting fact -- the 100 year anniversary of women's right to vote was just last year.  It hasn't been all that long, folks.

Stop Digging - Kaiser this means you.

“When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.” – Will Rogers

I've decided to stop sending resumes to Kaiser.  I've applied for around 20 jobs of various kinds and have heard NOTHING.  There's only one recruiter who even had the courtesy to call me to tell me I wasn't selected (Shira, you Rock!).  It's enticing, wanting to work for one of the largest employers in the Bay Area.  There's the theory that if you get your foot in the consulting door, you could work for them for a long time.  There's the stability (most of their jobs are 1-2 year gigs).

Then, there's the downsides.  Their jobs are only available through recruiters.  For every, single job, the recruiter wants me to re-work my resume to tailor it to the specific language of the job posting.  Most of the recruiters claim to have exclusive claim to the position, but then I get calls from other recruiters who've found my resume on Dice and pitch the same job.  For every single requisition number, you have to fill out an exclusive permission form and fax it back to the recruiter (which I have to do at work because I no longer have a fax machine at home since I gave up my landline).  They pay $5-10/hr less than other companies for similar positions.

But the biggest downside is that after all this work, I have not received one interview.  I have come to the conclusion that there is something in my resume that excludes me from Kaiser's wanted list.  There are lots of other jobs out there.  I'm going to quit spending my time digging this hole.

Where, oh Where has my Pedometer Gone?

“Never confuse motion with action.” Benjamin Franklin

So I was really getting into it - tracking my steps.  On goal for 4000 a day with spikes on the days I don't do the 15 Minute Fitness gig.  Writing down the steps every day, walking blocks out of the way to amp up the numbers.  I spent the morning two days ago logging how many steps it takes to go to the bathroom from my new desk at work: short way vs. long way.  If I take the long way every time, and go to the kitchen or bathroom 4 times a day, taking the long way will get me an extra mile by the end of the week!

Tracking, moving forward, making progress.  Then, BAM!  No pedometer.  Honestly, it had come off several times before, but I'd always been able to find it again.  I was lost.  Adrift.  How can I tell how well I'm going?  Goals need specific, actionable items in order to be real (see, I did get something from management training).

So I took Action (thank you, Mr. Franklin).  Enter Amazon and their 24-7 shopping experience.  Not only did I replace the exact model of pedometer, I added a 'leash.'  Evidently, I attach the leash to the pedometer, attach it to my belt as well, then if the pedometer takes a leap, it will be caught by the leash. 

Here's hoping it works!

"Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction." Will Rogers

So what's with the guessing game regarding rates for consulting jobs?  During my last job search, rates were  stated up front.  Now, I think there's must be some new incentive to place me at the lowest rate possible.  I've had more than a couple of recruiters balk when I ask what the rate is.  Seriously?  I know the rate is included with the job description, so why are they so reluctant to share that information?  These are consulting jobs, so it's not like a high level of job satisfaction over time will compensate for a lower rate as it might in a permanent position.  The only trade-off in consulting is money for time and expertise.

This rant comes because yesterday I had a recruiter really torf me off.  First she tells me I need to re-vamp my resume before she can submit it. While this is fairly common these days (I seem to have to change my resume for each new recruiter, and sometimes each new job), she had not quoted a rate.   Earlier yesterday I had a long conversation with another recruiter about a job that sounded like a lot of fun, but turned out to be $10/hr under the low end of my scale.  So I'm flinchy about spending time on a job that is going to be nowhere near my range.

I ask the recruiter if the job was within a range, and gave her $15/hr leaway.   This was her response:  "The rate is determined bythe candidate's experience as it pertains to the required skills/needs of the client.  So without having a conversation with you, and going over everything and determining if you are qualified for the position, I could not quote you a rate.  I hope this answers your question."

Seriously???  OK, first, no, that doesn't answer my question.  Second, you contacted me .  Why did you contact me if you hadn't at least glanced at my resume to determine if I was qualified?

Luckily, there are hundreds of other recruiters out there to work with. 

A creative (wo)man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. Any Rand

I am being brave here and taking a stand on something I might not accomplish.  I want to be in the Bay to Breakers race this year.

I have wanted to do this on a conceptual level for many years, but never had the means to make it happen.  After spending last year on establishing healthy habits, I have a solid foundation on which to build the stamina necessary for the race.  I'm walking, not running, but completing the course is my goal.  No, I don't know what I'm going to dress up as yet, that will come later in the stages were I'm walking 8-9 miles each weekend and I need something encouraging to think about.

So last year I got a pedometer for a fitness challenge at work and set my goal at 1500 steps a day.  I made it most days and was thrilled when I got over 2000 a few times.  You have to understand that I was coming from total couch potato status. (A mile is about 2000 steps).

I put the pedometer back on last month and at the end of the month got serious.  I've improved my stamina and my goal is 4000 steps a day.  For the month of January, I am adding walks on the weekends, which were typically sedentary for me, and work on taking some sustained walks.  I can walk to work easily now (it's 3-1/2 blocks).  Don't laugh, when the company moved there in July, it seemed like a really long way, so this is progress!  So anyway, I want to do some more sustained walking so that by the end of the month I can walk for one or two miles at a continuous stretch.

I figure that this will give me a solid foundation on which to move forward to increase the walking steadily over the next 4 months to the 9 miles I will need to be able to walk for the race.  I know, I know, Hayes Street Hill is a factor, so some of the prep will have to include the hill stuff.  I'm hoping that I'll be back home by then and will be able to practice the hard parts of the route in person.

In the past, I've pushed myself too hard too fast and have not succeeded.  I'm going by the bunny's motto (you know, slow and steady....)

I am already winning -- over the last two weeks of pedometer tracking, I've logged over 6000 steps 3 times, and over 5000 steps 3 times.

“I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then” Lewis Carroll

After taking some time off of the job search in December, I've emerged with a new strategy for the New Year.  After bowing to the signs from God that I was not on the right path (ok, after the emotional equivalent of getting hit in the head by a 2x4), I changed up my resume to focus on what I actually want to do instead of what I thought would get me out of my current job the fastest.  That's the AHA moment -- I can get a job doing something I really enjoy.  Hmmm.

So Business Systems Analyst it is!  On the Monday after New Year's, I re-purposed my resume, using the one I used to get my current job as a guide.  I figured that resume got me a lot of interviews, so maybe I did something right with it.  That took all day (my computer crashed in the middle of a particularly creative spell and I lost a lot of time). 

Moving forward, I posted the new resume and updated my profiles on Dice, LinkedIn, and CyberCodeers.  I'm scheduled to complete Career Builders, Hynes & Company, Tek Systems, Strategic Staffing Solutions and a few others over the weekend.  I contacted the recruiters who have worked with me in the past and gave them the new information.  This weekend I will start sending out actual applications.

It worked!  I've got new interest from recruiters and I'm not getting overly spun up about it.  I am very encouraged, and there are lots and lots of BSA positions out there, so the perfect one is waiting for me.

My original plan was to take every Monday off until I run out of PTO, but I've accomplished a lot this week in the mornings, and want to save my PTO for possible job interviews.  Keeping optimistic....

2012 Motto: It's About the Journey!

So here's my motto for 2012:  If you're not enjoying yourself, you're doing something wrong.  Life is about the journey.

A few years ago, I started adopting mottoes instead of making resolutions.  So instead of a list of things I could beat myself up about for not completing, I have a guiding light to follow.

Last year it was Get Healthy.  I embarked on making changes toward a sustainable, healthy lifestyle.  Not a quick-fix diet, but long-term healthy habits.  Last year at this time, it was exhausting to do almost everything and a two-block walk seemed adventurous.  Today I work out with a trainer a couple of times a week.  I've missed sessions (sometimes whole weeks) but I am still going and can really see the difference in my body and my energy level.  I'm started wearing a pedometer.  When I first started in May, my goal was 1500 steps a day, and I was happy to hit it most days.  My current goal is 4000 steps a day for the next month, and increasing from there.  I've been wanting to do the Bay to Breakers for years and years, and for the first time, it seems like it's within the realm of possibility!  I can start with the 2-mile/day foundation and work up over the next 5 months so I can do the whole 9 miles in May!

My 1st motto 3 years ago was No More Drama.  The corollary was:  No drama means taking care of yourself - up front every day, all the time.  It worked really, really well!  By taking care of myself (simple things like making sure my meds were refilled on time and always having healthy food in the house), a lot of the drama that had been swirling around me for years dropped away, leaving me time and energy to work on improving my life.


So this year's motto is about not stressing myself out and enjoying the process.  In the past (I'm already moving forward!) I would put a lot of pressure on myself and end up not enjoying my life.  From the job search to having a few folks over for dinner, I would stress out.  So this year (and I made an excellent start with my Holiday/Birthday party), if I'm stressing out, then I need to change what I'm doing. This year, it's all about the ride.